Christian Humor

 

Time to Smile - Kim and Jason comic strip
and a bit of Christian humour refreshed daily

What does Love mean?

A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4 to 8 year-olds, "What does love mean?"

"When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love." -- Rebecca- age 8

"When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different.
You just know that your name is safe in their mouth." -- Billy - age 4

"Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other." -- Karl - age 5

"Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs." -- Chrissy - age 6

"Love is what makes you smile when you're tired." -- Terri - age 4

"Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK." -- Danny - age 7

"Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. My Mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss" -- Emily - age 8

"Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well." -- Tommy - age 6

"During my piano recital, I was on a stage and I was scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling. He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore." -- Cindy - age 8

"My mommy loves me more than anybody You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night." -- Clare - age 6

"Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken." -- Elaine-age 5

"Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford." -- Chris - age 7

"Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day." -- Mary Ann - age 4

"I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones." -- Lauren - age 4

"When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you." (what an image) -- Karen - age 7


"Love is when Mommy sees Daddy on the toilet and she doesn't think it's gross." -- Mark - age 6

"You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget." -- Jessica - age 8

"Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen." -- Bobby - age 7

"If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate," -- Nikka - age 6

"Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday." -- Noelle - age 7

 

Young Art

A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's artwork. As she came to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

---From Catholic Jokes
Courtesy of CatholicSites.com

On Lying

A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17."

The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only 16 chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."

---From Catholic Jokes
Courtesy of CatholicSites.com

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A Sunday School teacher asked her students to draw
a picture of their favorite Old Testament story,
and as she moved around the class, she saw there
were many wonderful drawings being done. Then she
came across Johnny who had drawn an old man driving
what looked like a station wagon. In the back seat
were two passengers, both apparently naked.

"It's a lovely picture," said the teacher, "but
which story does it tell?"

Johnny seemed surprised at the question. "Doesn't
it say in the Bible that God drove Adam and Eve out
of the Garden of Eden?"

_____________

A police officer had just pulled over a car full of nuns for going too slow on a major highway. The conversation went like this:
Police officer: "Why were you driving so slowly?"
Nun driver: "I kept seeing all these signs with the number 20 on them and figured that was the speed limit."
Police officer: "No, Sister, that is the highway number."
Nun: "Oh, I'm so sorry, Officer, I didn't know that."
Then the police officer looks into the back seat and sees that the nuns there have panic-stricken faces and white knuckles from holding on to each other too tightly.
Police officer: "What's wrong with the nuns in the back seat?"
Nun: "Oh, we just got off Highway 101 a few miles ago."

_____________

A priest was preaching on the evils of alcoholism. He ended by saying, "It is my fervent prayer that someday soon all alcohol in this city will be poured into the nearest river!"

The lector then announced, "The Offertory hymn will be number 312: 'Shall We Gather At The River.'"

Deep and Meaningful Comments
That Make You Stop and Ponder...

ON RELIGIOUS PRACTICES - Photons have mass? I didn't know they were Catholic!

ON INFINITY - If you had everything, where would you keep it?

ON HUMILITY - To err is human, to moo bovine.

ON PROPHECY - The meek shall inherit the earth -- they are too weak to refuse.

Where is God!?

A desperate young mother had two incorrigible boys. Having exhausted all suggestions for controlling the little hellions, she tried one last approach: she took them to the meanest preacher in town for a lecture.

First the older boy was admitted into the stern minister's study.

Glaring at the boy from behind the desk, the preacher waited a few moments, then challenged the boy: "Young man, where is God?"

The boy was stunned to silence.

The preacher rose part way out of his chair and repeated the question: "I asked you, Where Is God?"

The boy began to quake with dread .... this was no ordinary lecture for being bad!

Stepping around from behind the desk, the impassioned preacher now shouted his question, "WHERE IS GOD!?"

At this, the boy leaped from his chair and bolted out the door, running headlong into his little brother.

"What's wrong? What's the matter?" his brother asked. ........."It's awful! The church has LOST GOD and they're BLAMING US!

Signs on Church Property

"No Lord -- No Peace. Know Lord -- Know Peace."
"Trip to heaven. Details Inside!"
"Try our Sundays. They are better than Baskin-Robbins."
"Searching for a new look? Have your faith lifted here!"
"The Lord so loved the world that He did not send a committee."
"Come in and pray today. Beat the Christmas rush!"
"Sign broken. Message inside this Sunday."
"Do not wait for the hearse to take you to church."
"If you're headed in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns."
"This is a ch_ _ ch. What is missing?" ---------> (U R)
"Forbidden fruit creates many jams."
"In the dark? Follow the Son."
"Running low on faith? Stop in for a fill-up."

Catholic Example

A plane full of retirees headed for Florida was gripped with fear when the pilot announced, "Two of our engines are on fire; we are flying through a heavy fog and it has eliminated all our visibility."

The passengers were numb with fear, except for one - a retired priest. "Now, now, keep calm," he said. "Let's all bow our heads and pray."

Immediately, the group bowed their heads to pray, except one man. "Why aren't you bowing your head to pray?" the priest asked.

"I don't know how to pray," replied the passenger.

"Well, just do something religious!" instructed the priest.

The man got up and passed his hat down the aisle, taking an offering.

Did You Forget Me?

A pious man, who had reached the age of 105, suddenly stopped going to synagogue. Alarmed by the old fellow's absence after so many years of faithful attendance, the Rabbi went to see him. He found him in excellent health, so the Rabbi asked, "How come after all these years we don't see you at services anymore?"
The old man lowered his voice. "I'll tell you, Rabbi," he whispered. "When I got to be 90, I expected God to take me any day. But then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105. So, I figured that God is very busy and must've forgotten about me, and I don't want to remind Him!"

Wrong Department

A woman was sitting next to a priest on a plane when a terrible storm broke out. "Can't you do something about that awful lightning?" she demanded.

"I'm sorry," the priest answered, "I'm in sales, not management."

-- from Catholic Parish Resources - Bulletin fillers, materials, Mass, Cards

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A grandmother and a little girl who was sprinkled with bright red freckles spent the day at the zoo. The children were waiting in line to get their cheeks painted by a local artist who was decorating them with tiger paws.
"You have so many freckles, there's no place to paint" a boy in the line cried.
Embarrassed, the little girl dropped her head. Her grandmother knelt down next to her. "I love your freckles," she said.
"Not me" the little girl replied.
"Well, when I was little girl I always wanted freckles. Freckles are beautiful."
The little girl looked up. "Really?"
"Of course." said the grandmother, "Why just name one thing that's prettier than freckles." The little girl peered into the old woman's smiling face. "Wrinkles" she answered softly.

______________

Religious Education Teacher: Kevin, can you tell me what we must do before we can expect forgiveness of sin?

Kevin: Uh, I guess we have to sin.

______________

When a priest makes a mistake in church, it's a clerical error.

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1. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

2. If you're born again, do you have two bellybuttons?

3. One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.

4. To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it.

5. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

6. The older you get, the better you realize you were.

7. I doubt, therefore I might be.

8. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

9. Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.

10. Women like silent men, they think they're listening.

11. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to
fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

13. A fool and his money are soon partying.

14. Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?

15. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

16. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery.

17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

18. If God dropped acid, would he see people?

19. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

20. If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?

21. If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?

22. If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry

Count your Ribs!

A family came home from Church where the sermon was on Adam and Eve.
The Mother noticed the boy sitting on the bed feeling his ribs. She asked what he was doing.
He said, "I counted these things three times now. Mom! I think I'm having a wife."

---From Catholic Jokes
Courtesy of CatholicSites.com

She Flew!

A father was reading Bible stories to his young son. He read, "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned to salt."
His son asked, "What happened to the flea?"

---From Catholic Jokes
Courtesy of CatholicSites.com

Little Johnny was happy when his family moved into a bigger house. "Now there are separate
rooms for me, my brother and my sister. But poor Mom still has to room with Dad!"

_____________

A young couple invited their pastor for Sunday dinner. While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the priest asked their son what they were having. "Goat," the little boy replied.
"Goat?" replied the startled man of the cloth, "Are you sure about that?"
"Yep," said the youngster. "I heard Dad say to Mom, Might as well have the old goat for dinner today as any other day."

The Lord's Prayer

A mother was teaching her three-year-old daughter The Lord's Prayer. For several evenings at bedtime, she repeated it after her mother. One night she said she was ready to solo. The mother listened with pride, as she carefully enunciated each word right up to the end.

"And lead us not into temptation", she prayed, "but deliver us some e-mail, Amen."

Genesis, computer version

A doctor, an architect, and a computer scientist were arguing about whose profession was the oldest. In the course of their arguments, they got all the way back to the Garden of Eden.

Whereupon the doctor said, "The medical profession is clearly the oldest, because Eve was made from Adam's rib, as the story goes, and that was a simply incredible surgical feat."

The architect did not agree. He said, "But if you look at the Garden itself, in the beginning there was chaos and void, and out of that, the Garden and the world were created. So God must have been an architect."

The computer scientist, who had listened to all of this said, "Yes, but where do you think the chaos came from?"

-- From Catholic Jokes

Actual announcements from Church Bulletins

Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

Announcement in the church bulletin for a National PRAYER & FASTING Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals."

The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare's "Hamlet" in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.

-- From Laughter and Religion:
Does God Have a Sense of Humour?

Children's Letters to God

Dear GOD,
I love animals. My goal is to be like Noah and have two of each in my room.
-Patrick

Dear GOD,
In school they told us what You do. Who does it when You are on vacation?
-Jacqueline

Dear GOD,
I read the Bible. What does begat mean? Nobody will tell me.
Love, Alison

Dear GOD,
Did you mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident?
-Christina

Dear GOD,
Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don't You just keep the ones You have now?
-Patrick

Dear GOD,
I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church. Is that okay?
-Neil

More Letters of Children to God

---From Catholic Jokes
Courtesy of CatholicSites.com

Beat This!

A little Jewish boy and a little Catholic boy are waiting for the school bus. The Jewish boy asks, "So, what do you want to be when you grow up."

The Catholic boy answers proudly, "I think I'll become a priest."

"Yeah? So what?" the Jewish boy shrugs.

"Well," the Catholic boy explains, "if I'm a really good priest they may make me a Monsignor."

"Yeah? So what?"

The Catholic boy sighs patiently. "You see, if I'm a really good Monsignor, maybe someday they'll make me a Bishop."

Unimpressed, the Jewish boy repeats, "Yeah, so what?"

A bit irritated now, the Catholic boy stresses, "If I'm a really good Bishop, someday I may get be a Cardinal."

"Yeah, so what!"

"Well," the Catholic boy says through clenched teeth, "if I'm a really good Cardinal someday I may be elected POPE!"

"Yeah, so what!"

The Catholic boy throws up his hands and shouts, "What do you want me to do? Be Jesus Christ Himself?"

"Well why not," the Jewish boy answers, "one of our boys made it!"

-- From Catholic Jokes

_______________

An elderly woman approached her pastor and asked if he would say a Latin Mass some Sunday.
"I never celebrate Mass in Latin," the priest explained.
The lady sniffed and muttered, "If Latin was good enough for Jesus, it should be good enough for you!"

________________

A local priest joined a community service club, and the members thought they would have some fun with him. Under his name on the badge they printed "Hog Caller" as his occupation.
Everyone made a big fanfare as the badge was presented. The priest responded by saying: "I usually am called the 'Shepherd of the Sheep'... but you know your people better than I do."

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Some friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise the funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the "men of God," the rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. He asked his mother to ask the friars to get out of business. They ignored her, too. So the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving (Brace yourself.)
That Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

_________________

If God hadn't wanted us to sleep, he wouldn't have invented pews.

______________

After going through the story of the Prodigal Son, a Sunday school teacher asked the kids, “At the end of the story who is it that ended up in the worst situation?” One of the kids shot up her hands and answered, “The fatted cow.”

-- Lightacandle Munachi's Homepage
of African Christian Inspiration

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A man bought several acres of wasteland and within a year, turned it into a thriving produce farm. The local priest stopped by and complimented the man on his vast progress. Then he added, "Wondrous things can surely happen when man and God work together."

"Amen," said the man, "but you should've seen the place when God was running it alone."

_____________

A farmer runs into the pastor of his church after missing the morning Mass. "I missed you at Mass this morning," the pastor says.

"Well, Father", the farmer says, "I had some hay to put up. I figured it was better to sit on a bale of hay thinking about God than to sit in church thinking about hay."

_____________

One night a little boy's parents overheard this prayer...
"Now I lay me down to rest, and hope to pass tomorrow's test, if I should die before I wake, that's one less test I have to take."

____________

A Sunday School teacher asked her class, "Does anyone know what we mean by sins of omission?"
A small girl replied, "Aren't those the sins we should have committed, but didn't?

_________________

A woman went to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards. "What denomination?" Asked the clerk.
"Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this?" said the woman. "Well, give me 50 Protestant and 50 Catholic ones."

__________________

A little boy, excited about his part in the Christmas play at school, came home and shouted, "I got a part in the Christmas play! I got a part in the Christmas play!"

"What part did you get?" asked his mother excitedly.

"I'm one of the three wise guys!"

__________________

Little Johnny was spending the weekend with his grandmother
after a particularly trying week in kindergarten. His grand-
mother decided to take him to the park on Saturday morning.
It had been snowing all night and everything was beautiful.

His grandmother remarked..."doesn't it look like an artist
painted this scenery? Did you know God painted this just for
you?"

Johnny said, "Yes, God did it and he did it left handed."

This confused his grandmother a bit, and she asked him "What
makes you say God did this with his left hand?"

"Well," said Johnny, "we learned at Sunday School last week
that Jesus sits on God's right hand!"

_____________________

A man decided to join a very small and very selective order--of monks. The order was so devoted to prayer they were only allowed to say 2 words every year.

After the first year passed, he went into a small room where he was given the chance to say his two words to the head monk. His two words were "Too cold." The head monk nodded and gave him an extra blanket.

The next year passed and he was once again taken into the small room. This time his 2 words were "Bland food." Again the head monk nodded and gave him a box of salt.

When the next year had passed they took him back into the small room, and his 2 words were "I quit."

"Fine!" exclaimed the exasperated head monk, "All you've done since you got here is complain anyway."

________________

Priest: Can any of you children tell me what Good Friday did?
Fifth Grader: He saved Robinson Crusoe?

_________________

What's the difference between Christmas and Easter?
After Christmas, some people will come to church in only THREE months!

_________________

God wants spiritual fruit, not religious nuts.
– Ethel Wilcox
_______________

A Catholic should have only one spouse.
This is called monotony.
_________________

A little girl was sitting on her grandfather's lap as he read her a bedtime story. From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek. She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again. Finally she spoke up, "Grandpa, did God make you?"
"Yes, sweetheart," he answered, "God made me a long time ago."
"Oh," she paused, "Grandpa, did God make me too?"
"Yes, indeed, honey," he said, "God made you just a little while ago."
Feeling their respective faces again, she observed, "God's getting better at it, isn't he?"

____________________

A tour guide was showing a group of Americans around a church in Ireland. "And here is the skull of St. Patrick."
One of the tourists challenged him, "You showed us St. Patrick's skull in another church yesterday!"
"Ah yes," the guide answered, "but that was his skull when he was a wee lad."

______________________

When one priest telephones another, does he make a parson to parson call?

_________________

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work?
He wanted to transcend dental medication.

____________________

Father Murphy walked into a pub and said to the first man he met, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

The man said, "I do Father."

The priest said,"Leave this pub right now!" He then approached a second man. "Do you want to get to heaven?"

"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply. "Then leave this den of Satan!" said the priest.

Father Murphy then walked up to O'Toole and asked, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole replied: "No, I don't Father."

The priest looked him right in the eye and said, "You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole smiled, "Oh, when I die. Yes Father. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."

__________________

The priest was trying to comfort one of his parishioners. "Mr. Kelly", he said, "you shouldn't be bitter. You must be thankful."
"Thankful!" exclaimed Kelley. "Just what do I have to be thankful for, I ask you? I can't even pay my bills."
The priest thought for a bit, then said brightly:
"Why? Be thankful you aren't one of your creditors."

______________

ATTENTION:
Our collection basket isn't very large. Please fill it with something that can be folded. Thanks.

_______________

It now costs more to amuse children than it did to educate their parents.

________________

A society lady was speaking to a Jewish Rabbi, "Some of my ancestors witnessed the signing of the Magna Carta."
"That's interesting," replied the Rabbi, "but some of my ancestors witnessed the signing of the Ten Commandments."

________________

File on a church bookkeeper's desk: Due unto others.

__________________

Three Nuns were invited to speak about vocations at a Mass in Dublin. They arrived late and walked into the sanctuary. The priest noticed that they had nowhere to sit so he whispered to the altar server, "Quick, three chairs for the sisters."
So the boy yelled out, "Hip, hip, hooray!"

__________________

Purportedly real answers given by children...

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized?
(e.g., abdomen).
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five
bowels, A, E, I, O, and U.

Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does 'varicose' mean?
A: Nearby.

Q: Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean Section'
A: The Caesarean Section is a district in Rome.

Q: What does the word 'benign' mean?
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

Kids' Proverbs

A first grade teacher collected old, well known proverbs. She gave each kid in her class the first half of a proverb, and had them come up with the rest.

As you shall make your bed so shall you... mess it up.
Strike while the... bug is close.
It's always darkest before... daylight savings time.
Never underestimate the power of... termites.
Don't bite the hand that... looks dirty.
No news is... impossible
You can't teach an old dog new... math.
If you lie down with the dogs, you'll... stink in the morning.
Love all, trust... me.
An idle mind is... the best way to relax.
Where there's smoke, there's... pollution.
Happy the bride who... gets all the presents!
A penny saved is... not much.
Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and... you have to blow your nose.
Children should be seen and not... spanked or grounded.
If at first you don't succeed... get new batteries.
You get out of something what you... see pictured on the box.
There is no fool like... Aunt Eddie.

_________________

A Franciscan and Jesuit were debating which order was the greatest. So, they decided to ask for a sign from God. This is what they received falling down from heaven:

My sons,
Please stop bickering about such trivial matters,
GOD, O.P.

____________________

The Devil and the Pigs
One Sunday, the gospel was all about how the Lord cast out Satan and sent him into a herd of pigs. During the sermon, the priest asked some children, "And what lesson do we learn from this story?"
Little Johnny raised his hand and jumped up. "We learn that Jesus was the first person to make deviled ham."