to Smile - Kim and Jason comic strip
What does Love mean?
A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4 to 8 year-olds, "What does love mean?"
"When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love." -- Rebecca- age 8
"When someone loves you, the way they say your name
"Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other." -- Karl - age 5
"Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs." -- Chrissy - age 6
"Love is what makes you smile when you're tired." -- Terri - age 4
"Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK." -- Danny - age 7
"Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. My Mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss" -- Emily - age 8
"Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well." -- Tommy - age 6
"During my piano recital, I was on a stage and I was scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling. He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore." -- Cindy - age 8
"My mommy loves me more than anybody You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night." -- Clare - age 6
"Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken." -- Elaine-age 5
"Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford." -- Chris - age 7
"Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day." -- Mary Ann - age 4
"I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones." -- Lauren - age 4
"When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you." (what an image) -- Karen - age 7
"You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget." -- Jessica - age 8
"Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen." -- Bobby - age 7
"If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate," -- Nikka - age 6
"Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday." -- Noelle - age 7
A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children
while they drew. She would occasionally walk around to see
each child's artwork. As she came to one little girl who
was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17."
The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only 16 chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."
A Sunday School teacher asked her students to draw
"It's a lovely picture," said the teacher,
Johnny seemed surprised at the question. "Doesn't
A police officer had just pulled over a
car full of nuns for going too slow on a major highway.
The conversation went like this:
A priest was preaching on the evils of alcoholism. He ended by saying, "It is my fervent prayer that someday soon all alcohol in this city will be poured into the nearest river!"
The lector then announced, "The Offertory hymn will be number 312: 'Shall We Gather At The River.'"
Deep and Meaningful Comments
ON RELIGIOUS PRACTICES - Photons have mass? I didn't know they were Catholic!
ON INFINITY - If you had everything, where would you keep it?
ON HUMILITY - To err is human, to moo bovine.
ON PROPHECY - The meek shall inherit the earth -- they are too weak to refuse.
Where is God!?
A desperate young mother had two incorrigible boys. Having exhausted all suggestions for controlling the little hellions, she tried one last approach: she took them to the meanest preacher in town for a lecture.
First the older boy was admitted into the stern minister's study.
Glaring at the boy from behind the desk, the preacher waited a few moments, then challenged the boy: "Young man, where is God?"
The boy was stunned to silence.
The preacher rose part way out of his chair and repeated the question: "I asked you, Where Is God?"
The boy began to quake with dread .... this was no ordinary lecture for being bad!
Stepping around from behind the desk, the impassioned preacher now shouted his question, "WHERE IS GOD!?"
At this, the boy leaped from his chair and bolted out the door, running headlong into his little brother.
"What's wrong? What's the matter?" his brother asked. ........."It's awful! The church has LOST GOD and they're BLAMING US!
Signs on Church Property
"No Lord -- No Peace. Know Lord -- Know Peace."
A plane full of retirees headed for Florida was gripped with fear when the pilot announced, "Two of our engines are on fire; we are flying through a heavy fog and it has eliminated all our visibility."
The passengers were numb with fear, except for one - a retired priest. "Now, now, keep calm," he said. "Let's all bow our heads and pray."
Immediately, the group bowed their heads to pray, except one man. "Why aren't you bowing your head to pray?" the priest asked.
"I don't know how to pray," replied the passenger.
"Well, just do something religious!" instructed the priest.
The man got up and passed his hat down the aisle, taking an offering.
Did You Forget Me?
A pious man, who had reached the age
of 105, suddenly stopped going to synagogue. Alarmed
by the old fellow's absence after so many years of faithful
attendance, the Rabbi went to see him. He found him
in excellent health, so the Rabbi asked, "How come
after all these years we don't see you at services anymore?"
A woman was sitting next to a priest on a plane when a terrible storm broke out. "Can't you do something about that awful lightning?" she demanded.
"I'm sorry," the priest answered, "I'm in sales, not management."
-- from Catholic Parish Resources - Bulletin fillers, materials, Mass, Cards
A grandmother and a little girl who was
sprinkled with bright red freckles spent the day at the
zoo. The children were waiting in line to get their cheeks
painted by a local artist who was decorating them with
Religious Education Teacher: Kevin, can you tell me what we must do before we can expect forgiveness of sin?
Kevin: Uh, I guess we have to sin.
When a priest makes a mistake in church, it's a clerical error.
1. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
2. If you're born again, do you have two bellybuttons?
3. One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.
4. To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it.
5. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
6. The older you get, the better you realize you were.
7. I doubt, therefore I might be.
8. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
9. Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
10. Women like silent men, they think they're listening.
11. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach
him how to
13. A fool and his money are soon partying.
14. Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?
15. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
16. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery.
17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
18. If God dropped acid, would he see people?
19. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
20. If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
21. If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
22. If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry
Count your Ribs!
A family came home from Church where the sermon was on
Adam and Eve.
A father was reading Bible stories to his young son. He
read, "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife
and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was
turned to salt."
Little Johnny was happy when his family moved
into a bigger house. "Now there are separate
A young couple invited their pastor for Sunday
dinner. While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal,
the priest asked their son what they were having. "Goat,"
the little boy replied.
The Lord's Prayer
A mother was teaching her three-year-old daughter The Lord's Prayer. For several evenings at bedtime, she repeated it after her mother. One night she said she was ready to solo. The mother listened with pride, as she carefully enunciated each word right up to the end.
"And lead us not into temptation", she prayed, "but deliver us some e-mail, Amen."
Genesis, computer version
A doctor, an architect, and a computer scientist were arguing about whose profession was the oldest. In the course of their arguments, they got all the way back to the Garden of Eden.
Whereupon the doctor said, "The medical profession is clearly the oldest, because Eve was made from Adam's rib, as the story goes, and that was a simply incredible surgical feat."
The architect did not agree. He said, "But if you look at the Garden itself, in the beginning there was chaos and void, and out of that, the Garden and the world were created. So God must have been an architect."
The computer scientist, who had listened to all of this said, "Yes, but where do you think the chaos came from?"
-- From Catholic Jokes
Actual announcements from Church Bulletins
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
Announcement in the church bulletin for a National PRAYER & FASTING Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals."
The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare's "Hamlet" in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.
Children's Letters to God
More Letters of Children to God
A little Jewish boy and a little Catholic boy are waiting for the school bus. The Jewish boy asks, "So, what do you want to be when you grow up."
The Catholic boy answers proudly, "I think I'll become a priest."
"Yeah? So what?" the Jewish boy shrugs.
"Well," the Catholic boy explains, "if I'm a really good priest they may make me a Monsignor."
"Yeah? So what?"
The Catholic boy sighs patiently. "You see, if I'm a really good Monsignor, maybe someday they'll make me a Bishop."
Unimpressed, the Jewish boy repeats, "Yeah, so what?"
A bit irritated now, the Catholic boy stresses, "If I'm a really good Bishop, someday I may get be a Cardinal."
"Yeah, so what!"
"Well," the Catholic boy says through clenched teeth, "if I'm a really good Cardinal someday I may be elected POPE!"
"Yeah, so what!"
The Catholic boy throws up his hands and shouts, "What do you want me to do? Be Jesus Christ Himself?"
"Well why not," the Jewish boy answers, "one of our boys made it!"
-- From Catholic Jokes
An elderly woman approached her pastor and asked if he
would say a Latin Mass some Sunday.
A local priest joined a community service
club, and the members thought they would have some fun with
him. Under his name on the badge they printed "Hog
Caller" as his occupation.
Some friars were behind on their belfry payments,
so they opened up a small florist shop to raise the funds.
Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the "men of
God," the rival florist across town thought the competition
was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but
they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close.
They ignored him. He asked his mother to ask the friars
to get out of business. They ignored her, too. So the rival
florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious
thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh
beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd
be back if they didn't close shop. Terrified, they did so,
thereby proving (Brace yourself.)
If God hadn't wanted us to sleep, he wouldn't have invented pews.
After going through the story of the Prodigal Son, a Sunday school teacher asked the kids, “At the end of the story who is it that ended up in the worst situation?” One of the kids shot up her hands and answered, “The fatted cow.”
A man bought several acres of wasteland and
within a year, turned it into a thriving produce farm. The
local priest stopped by and complimented the man on his
vast progress. Then he added, "Wondrous things can
surely happen when man and God work together."
A farmer runs into the pastor of his church
after missing the morning Mass. "I missed you at Mass
this morning," the pastor says.
One night a little boy's parents overheard
A Sunday School teacher asked her class, "Does
anyone know what we mean by sins of omission?"
A woman went to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas
cards. "What denomination?" Asked the clerk.
A little boy, excited about his part in the Christmas play at school, came home and shouted, "I got a part in the Christmas play! I got a part in the Christmas play!"
"What part did you get?" asked his mother excitedly.
"I'm one of the three wise guys!"
Little Johnny was spending the weekend with
His grandmother remarked..."doesn't it look like an
Johnny said, "Yes, God did it and he did it left handed."
This confused his grandmother a bit, and she asked him
"Well," said Johnny, "we learned at Sunday
School last week
A man decided to join a very small and very
selective order--of monks. The order was so devoted to prayer
they were only allowed to say 2 words every year.
Priest: Can any of you children tell me what
Good Friday did?
What's the difference between Christmas and
God wants spiritual fruit, not religious
A Catholic should have only one spouse.
A little girl was sitting on her grandfather's
lap as he read her a bedtime story. From time to time,
she would take her eyes off the book and reach up to touch
his wrinkled cheek. She was alternately stroking her own
cheek, then his again. Finally she spoke up, "Grandpa,
did God make you?"
A tour guide was showing a group of Americans
around a church in Ireland. "And here is the skull
of St. Patrick."
When one priest telephones another, does he make a parson to parson call?
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused
his dentist's Novocain during root canal work?
Father Murphy walked into a pub and said to the first man he met, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
The man said, "I do Father."
The priest said,"Leave this pub right now!" He then approached a second man. "Do you want to get to heaven?"
"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply. "Then leave this den of Satan!" said the priest.
Father Murphy then walked up to O'Toole and asked, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole replied: "No, I don't Father."
The priest looked him right in the eye and said, "You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole smiled, "Oh, when I die. Yes Father. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."
The priest was trying to comfort one of
his parishioners. "Mr. Kelly", he said, "you
shouldn't be bitter. You must be thankful."
It now costs more to amuse children than it did to educate their parents.
A society lady was speaking to a Jewish
Rabbi, "Some of my ancestors witnessed the signing
of the Magna Carta."
File on a church bookkeeper's desk: Due unto others.
Three Nuns were invited to speak about vocations
at a Mass in Dublin. They arrived late and walked into
the sanctuary. The priest noticed that they had nowhere
to sit so he whispered to the altar server, "Quick,
three chairs for the sisters."
Purportedly real answers given by children...
Q: Name the four seasons.
Q: Explain one of the processes by which
water can be made safe to drink.
Q: How is dew formed?
Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
Q: What are steroids?
Q: What happens to your body as you age?
Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches
Q: Name a major disease associated with
Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized?
Q: What is the fibula?
Q: What does 'varicose' mean?
Q: Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean
Q: What does the word 'benign' mean?
A first grade teacher collected old, well known proverbs. She gave each kid in her class the first half of a proverb, and had them come up with the rest.
As you shall make your bed so shall you...
mess it up.
A Franciscan and Jesuit were debating which order was the greatest. So, they decided to ask for a sign from God. This is what they received falling down from heaven:
The Devil and the Pigs